Wow how time flies and as humans we seem to put things off till tomorrow and all of a sudden it's 7 years later. We have gone through a very strange period through these 7 years. Pandemic, retirement, additional grandchildren, caretaker, lose of my father, lose of friends, moving to Florida, new friends, numerous trips, and new found faith. I cannot express in words the multiple emotions I have felt, the numerous tears that I have cried happy and sad, the fears that I have faced and the anxiety that I have had and am still trying to overcome.
So many stories, so many moments, so many memories. Where do a start? Which do I share? What has meaning, and what will bring me peace as I figure out life at 65?
When I try to put things into perspective it all becomes a blur. I've been told that writing is cathartic and that is what scares me. If I put down my feelings, they becomes real and not just a passing glance of my past, but a reality in black and white that I have to really try to understand. Maybe that is what I need, someway to bring not only the last 7 years of my life but my entire being into focus. I will be forced to see all the shadows that may still be lingering, and open doors to my soul to see if any of it can shine a light on why I am, where I am, now at 65.
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| Our Easter that year with only 2 at the table |
The Pandemic brought me a new awareness of my relationship with my husband. I have always said be careful of what you wish for, because you may just get it. I have and am still enjoying 42 years of marriage more than half my life with my wonderful husband. For many years we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. as our many obligations, work schedules, children and life choices got in the way.
Bert made a very important job choice in 2020, but as you may know we make plans and God laughs. His life change brought him to early retirement right at the beginning of the Pandemic. Then the Pandemic forced 2 people who never had lived as only a couple, (as I came with a ready made family) to suddenly spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week together. Just us, a big house, a TV, with the only outside communication being video calls with family and friends. Even my business was placed on hold. For many years I prayed that one day me and my husband would have a normal married life with regular hours, where we would get to spend more time together and finally God said in all his wisdom and sense of humor "here you go". I was afraid, what if we don't like each other, but we did it, we found out that we were good together. After 27 years of only saying hi and goodbye with a kiss and see you later, many times only having Sundays together we were brought to the reality, that we really did love each other even more interesting we liked each other.
During this time my father started to struggle he was 95 and his age was catching up on him. Seeing rolls reversed where you become the parent of your parent is a struggle that I never wanted to experience but again God gives you paths to walk and mountains to climb and valleys to go through that you never expect. My father had to be moved into my brothers house and for many months my husband and I went over to help him take care of the man that we looked up to as our hero. As this strong man I leaned on as a child, who picked me up and danced with me, kissed my forehead and taught me not be afraid of anything, because God was always with me, became more and more frail, my husband and I brought him into our home. I saw the face of an angel on my husbands face each day, as for 4 months my husband never left his side and took care of his every need. Yes I was there but my father was a proud Italian man and didn't want his daughter to see him this way. He always wanted me to see him as my hero. There were many, many struggles and moments that tore at my heart. Each day we woke up not knowing what to expect.
Many days I was upset with God as I didn't understand why this time of life is so hard and why I had to witness the dimming of the light that was always shown in my father's eyes. I understand that Jesus suffered humiliation and pain as he hung on the cross, but seeing my father become so dependent and suffer humility in his weakness tore at my heart. It was a concept that I never wanted to understand and still, as we walked with him toward his journey home to the Lord, we learned many lessons. Such as, patience, never assume you have tomorrow, stay close to Lord and count your blessing everyday, never have any regrets, and you can never say I love you to much.
I will end part I with something my father said to me shortly before he died. He asked me "what if everything I have always believed about heaven and Jesus is wrong" I told him that "I would rather believe and hope in the Lord then have to be asked by Lord in the end why I didn't LOVE HIM.
Hopefully you enjoyed this and will subscribe and follow me for Part 2 next week.
